Since  my last post seems like a lifetime ago I’ll start with the positive, I’m 3lbs down. This feels like a small victory to me especially as I have managed to keep it off!! I have to be honest I haven’t been exactly dieting. I did start a well known slimming group and have stuck to it loosely. But I think the major changing point has been that Walkers have stopped making my favourite crisps. Is it wrong that I felt like crying? Or should I be grateful that temptation has been removed!

However this isn’t the only change this month. I ,the fatty queen ,have started Pilates. Now this in itself is making me laugh out loud for several reasons.

One being my physique doesn’t exactly lend itself to the typical image of a slight and muscular goddess bending and stretching her self into fruitful harmony and two my instructor has taken it upon herself to guide and support me through the class due to `my procedure`.

Alas my procedure is the Caesarean section I had over 14 months ago. Naughtily I have led said Pilates instructor to believe this was a mere few months ago and I ashamedly won’t be correcting her anytime soon. So what does this entail you may ask, what does this mean? Well it means simply I am now the member of the group with an additional need, someone who needs speaking to in a soft voice and someone who the whole Pilates class now looks at with `ah bless` eyes and a hint of patronisation.

I feel bad of course I do, my Pilates instructor is kind and dedicated and has a genuine desire to help women get back into shape after babies but I just can’t tell her the truth that I am too fat to bend. It’s not my bloody caesarean that stops me rolling around and touching my toes it’s my fat! It’s the Chinese I had before the session (this happened once and as I had a bit of a windy issue throughout the whole hour it won’t be something I will ever repeat!) my fat rolls kind of get trapped and I can’t move or bend and she will come over all nice as pie and say `you’ll get there you’ve had a major procedure ` whilst signalling to my vagina…….

and so it rumbles on, I asked my friend who comes with me what I should do and she calmly said that maybe people think I’ve had a tummy tuck! Maybe that explains the pity in there eyes, they are thinking oh love go and get your money back. For now at least I’m just going to keep stretching and maybe one day I won’t be the `girl who had the porcedure`

x

If I’m going to get back to a happy place with how I feel about myself I guess I should try and work out what went a bit sqew whiff (and when did I start using the phrase sqew whiff) I’ve been mulling this over, and I can assure you I have also mulled it over a few to many glasses of red and packets of salt and vinegar extra crunchy, when did we get so bloody obsessed with ourselves? I don’t think I’ve ever been so self obsessed since I got fat, but I also want to know why being fat makes me so unhappy and why is it scares the living day lights out of people.

One of the problems I think is that I don’t fit into the morbidly obese catergory, I’m chubby, a bit of all belly and boobs. I can still wear outfits that resemble some sort of fashion statement (when I’m not wallowing in my own self pity) and I can still shop in high street stores. So this makes me more invisible and prone to those god awful comments like’ well your not like those big huge people are you’ ‘you do exaggerate’ and my upmost favourite ‘well your not as big as -insert name here-‘

The point that keeps screaming at me is that it is about you inside, the you that is the voice in your head that tells you if your happy or not. You don’t have to be fat, you don’t have to be skinny, if you don’t think your an 8 outta 10 anymore then you’re the one who needs to help yourself. It might be to loose weight, it might be to gain weight, it might be to dump that loser you’ve been carrying round for the past 6 years like a cheap handbag,  but it’s you and your own personal journey.

I’ve set a little date in my mind to try and loose some of this extra baggage, because for me and my inside voice that’s where I want to start. I’ve picked a Tuesday because I have a firm belief that Monday is shit enough without trying to be a healthy goddess as well.
The more the blog post ideas come flowing the more i think this journey is going to be a lot more than just dropping a dress size.

So Tuesday 2nd of February it is then…..