I’ve stopped giving a shit

I was on the first sip of coffee, my first.

My daughter was still asleep and I thought I would have a mooch on social media. Now without naming names I was looking at what I would consider to be the three biggest ones.

About half a cup in I realised that I had wasted a good ten minutes of my life reading the same old story, women desperate to lose their baby bellies before their holidays in six weeks, women weighing in and berating themselves for having a meal with friends as it put a 1lb on. Delete delete delete delete delete.

And in my inbox from one said site, 3 messages from a well known herb type weight loss bollocks company asking me if I want a free sample. Delete delete delete delete delete .

NO! I want to drink my coffee and not be bombarded with how much we aren’t good enough, or how much we are trying to be something that we’re not or how we just aren’t thin or beautiful enough. Delete delete delete delete .

Lately I’ve been look at body confidence pages, plus size model pages and healthy eating sites as opposed to specific ‘weight loss’ sites. The messages have been completely different. In particular I find the plus size models accounts to be full of, first be happy then if your not happy with your body change it. There is gym ideas and healthy meal plans of course. But nothing comes before being happy and self acceptance.

As I’ve travelled along my journey I’ve realised something very important. I forgot that I actually like me . And I also realised how shitty I’ve been treating myself. I truly believe as well that by surrounding my self with these messages from the world portraying how I should be feeling and how I should be looking I’ve added to the self loathing.

I feel  at the moment the best I have in months, I’ve been focusing on looking after me and making efforts to do things that give me body confidence. Painting my nails, tanning and wearing all those outfits I love and had forgotten how great they make me feel.

I am in love with the phrase ‘healthy is the new skinny’ and you want to know the craziest part : I’ve lost weight. Now if that’s not a contradiction in terms I don’t know what is.

k xx

 

 

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I got a bit angry…

I got a bit angry , now if you know me you will know I am regularly getting red in the face about some cause or issue, but this made me really angry, then it made me cry

‘can anyone tell me how I can get rid of my caesarean scar, holiday in six months and need gone!’

This was a question that someone posted on one social media site, in a group that discusses being mummies and such like. First I want to make it clear that I do not know this person, I’m not trying to shame this person, I just want to tell you how it made me feel.

When I first read it I thought what a total selfish , ungrateful bitch. That is the truth. I thought this person doesn’t  deserve this scar and then I started tapping away an angry and horrible reply.

Luckily I stopped myself before I hit the comment button. What made me stop was the tears that were falling from my now mascara smudged eyes. I was crying for my own scar.

I never thought my baby would come. I thought I would be childless , in fact I was told it was highly likely I could be. Then eventually I got pregnant and I spent nine months pretty much scared to move. Then right as I was about to hit the finish line and after a night I never want to repeat we had to have an emergency caesarean.

I wear my scar as a badge of honour. It’s a constant reminder to me that miracles happen and I never want mine to go away , ever. As soon as my daughter is old enough I will be showing mine to her and I will be telling her that I am so immensely proud of it because it gave her safe passage into this world. I will tell her I treasure it and I am thankful to the universe for the surgeon and her team who made it possible. I’ll probably have another little cry and she will roll her beautiful blue eyes at me and carry on texting on her phone.

If I had a holiday coming up, which I don’t (hint hint husband ) then I would wear my scar with bells on, I would be flashing it in my bikini, fat rolls and all. I might even make it into some sort of body art. My scar is my miracle.

P.S  I  know the scar isn’t a blessing for every woman. I know some women would give anything to not see theirs but this is just how I feel about mine  x