It’s My baby and I’ll have One if I want to!

I get scared to ask for ketchup sometimes in restaurants. It’s some kind of social awkwardness , I get all hot and bothered and psyche myself up then just  smile when the waiter comes over.

I’m getting better but my poor husband and best friend have really bore the brunt of this little issue over the past 20 years (sorry guys)

Let’s imagine that ketchup is one end of the scale, then in the middle we can have people who comment on your lunch whilst your eating it, with phrases such as ‘ew what is that!’ ‘Omg I could never eat that!’ and, my personal  favourite ‘I’m sorry but that looks foul’ Then right at the other end  of our scale reside the people who have no problems in asking all about why you haven’t had another baby yet.

I have been keeping tally for two weeks, and do you know how many times I have been asked, 11, 11 times!

I don’t think it’s the question so much, but the guff that comes after it ‘Won’t your daughter be lonely’ ‘She will end up spoilt’ ‘I think you’ll regret it’ ‘I felt like that till I had my 12th’ ‘But they need a brother and sister’ .

My response to all this is simple. Piss off.

I am not a sensitive flower, I am an open person and it takes a lot to offend me. But the suggestion that my daughter will end up some pampered , damaged, lonely, un-supported brat if I don’t have another child makes me fume.

We have no right to question one of the most intimate and private decisions that a couple have to make. It is absolutely none of our business.  We do not need to  know why any one has zero children, one child, three children or ten.

There are people in my life who dying to become parents. People who are having the most horrendous time. There are people in my life who can’t imagine having any children,  it isn’t for them. There are people in my life who just can’t and every time they are asked it is like the knife is twisted a bit deeper. There are people who are un-decided. There are people who are on their fourth and may only stop when the eggs run out.

And you know what it never was and it never will be any of our business.

Lockdown Lard……

It’s started, well it started a few weeks ago. I think to be fair it never really stopped.

I am a chubby girl and I am aware that in lockdown I may have put on a few extra pounds. I am short, I look at food and gain weight and have been this way through my whole life.

But if I am honest, for the first time I’m not bothered. It’s taken me a long time to feel that way and to feel like that feels almost like a revelation.

I’m  grateful that I’m coming out of lockdown ALIVE, healthy and with my family around me.

Yet I find it so bizarre that we are about to enter one of the most happiest times, after a year of pure darkness, and already the diet culture vultures are out in full force saying that we need to lose weight NOW and using that old chestnut that we should have a summer body like yesterday! We should also have lost 4 stone and gained a six pack during lock down and not the dreaded lock down lard (which is actually a phrase coined by a well -known weight loss company!)

 After everything we’ve been through surely  we should be focusing on being happy, being kind and looking after each other. Now I’m not saying that diet products and certain plans and things don’t work for people , I know people who’ve had lots of success on various well known diet plans in the short term but we all know the only way to lose weight is the burn off more calories then the food you put in in your gob. Yet we look on social media magazines and there’s still people trying to sell the dream in a pill or a powder or a tea that deep down  you know is completely unattainable and  completely misleading for people.

 What enrages me is that it’s constantly picking on the vulnerable isn’t it ,it’s constantly picking on the emotion coming out of lock down and insecurities and all to make a quick buck. Because if the real aim was to help people and make them feel as good as these plonkers then why does it cost so much and why isn’t the NHS endorsing it?

Do you think when I reunite with my bestest friends and people who I love and care about and have worried about through this whole pandemic but the first thing that they’re going to look at me and is okay you need to get some weight loss tea because you’ve put on a couple of pounds?

 No the first thing we will all  be thinking is I am so happy that you are alive and I have missed you so much.

Now I’m not advocating for poor health let’s get this out of the way. If your weight is contributing to ill health and you need to lose weight to be healthy then that is a no brainer, but in a controlled and safe way is the only key for long lasting change. Mindset and actual medical advice, not  taking a shake that will  see you on the toilet for four days after being told by some celebrity( who’s probably sitting with a secret gastric band) that you two could look like me in a week!

 It’s not on and I I think that we we’ve got a big responsibility to our young people, girls and boys, that this complete farce they’re selling has to stop

 What saddens me deeply is the use of lockdown as an excuse to begin an onslaught of peddling this rubbish.

 Ever since Boris announced that today we are allowed to mix with six outside I’ve seen a huge rise in article’s from charlatans, and let’s face it they are charlatans,  touting the dream.

It is in bad taste, morally wrong and damaging and I for one will continue to call out this rubbish wherever I see it, right after this donut xx

Too much Woman

This was written a few months ago, then some virus happened and I forgot to post it! 💋

Recently I’ve discovered a lady called Gina Hatzis. She is the founder of “Too Much Woman”.

This woman makes me wanna stand up and flash my granny pants and shout

“Put down the wine, someone gets it”

See it all starts when your small. I was labelled “bossy” “loud” “big personality” probably in the education sector, I can remember a teacher saying “just because your loud, doesn’t mean your the best” (hardly the point I was trying to make in a spelling test test but I’m digressing) what on earth is a statement like that supposed to mean!

Let’s move to teenage years, more labels, confident, knew her own mind and formed her own opinion, this meant , family fall outs, being told to let someone else have the limelight, being told by an educator ” sometimes you have to just shut up and put up”

Adulthood , worked out what it is I’m passionate about; stands up when she feels hers -or others- voices need to be heard. Knows my rights and my own responsibilities.

more labels

troublemaker, grass, argumentative , opinionated , one to watch (not in a upcoming star way either lol) bitch , too loud, slag, know it all, selfish , big mouth, full of it, I can’t even be bothered to go on.

You see then this amazing lady gives it the title “too much woman”. And I feel like yes, yes, fucking yes! I am too much. And I surround my self with people who are also too much and they make me more too much!

I too have too much everything for everyone, too much breast tissue, too much personality , too much excitement , too much opinions (ok I know that isn’t grammatically correct but I can’t help it!) too much knowledge , too much courage, too much fight in me, too many ideas, too much strength , too much I do not give a shit what you think of me as long as I am true to myself.

Which is highly ironic , as I found myself in a situation yesterday where for the first time in a long time , I wasn’t too much. A conversation from a colleague , it wasn’t a conversation at all she was getting an undeserved bollocking- I was quiet. I said ok, yes , even when I knew it needed challenging . I should have stood up and said no. I came home and I felt like I’ve not felt since they sold out of my size in the Topshop “”Galaxy ” dress circa 2002- beaten.

And I’m sorry to you. I’m sorry I wasn’t too much. I’m sorry for the first time in about 30 years, I didn’t stand up and be too much on your behalf.

You see sometimes being too much: is too much. It’s too much for your own brain.

There are thoughts that you know are going to be put in words and those words are going to come out all wrong. Well the words will be right, but let’s say the vocabulary will be wrong. I guess I censored myself.

I didn’t like it, I never want to feel like that again. So not only am I apologising to you, I am apologising to myself.

I am too much, I am too much courage and I am too much fight. And I promise never to be not too much again. Xx

Lockdown Loser

I keep walking round my house singing Akon’s classic ‘been locked upppppp, won’t let me out….. won’t let me out…….’ Which of course is neither big nor clever, I haven’t worn a scrap of make up in three weeks, I reckon I’ve out on about a stone and I’ve actually got as bruise on my head from wearing a top knot everyday. So I have affectionately given myself the new title ‘Lockdown Loser’

But I am going to say something that I am not sure makes any sense, on some messed up and quite frankly strange level, I am enjoying being quarantined. Can I even say that? I mean, I don’t mean I enjoy the absolute tragedy that this bastard of a virus is causing people, I don’t enjoy the ache in my heart when I stand on my nan’s driveway, wishing I could go and sit in her living room and put the world to rights, I don’t enjoy watching friends who are key workers give their souls everyday to keep us safe.

But I do enjoy the fact that this time in our lives has made me stop.  Made us stop.

I mean how bloody bonkers is it really, that we just woke up one day and got told, you have to stay at home. The world you know and live is stopping.

I suddenly found myself thinking : a lot.

It was as if , I needed a stop the world and I want to get off , and I know lots of people have felt this too.

Lockdown as reaffirmed for me one of my favourite sayings “your health is your wealth”

It doesn’t really matter does it , the car, the shoes, the money in the bank, the size of your top knot.

Because no one is immune to bad health.

So we will keep washing our hands, follow the rules (for once) We will keep being safe, but I’m going to ease up on the top knots …… the NHS is busy right now xx




Wash ya hands , ya filthy animal….

So we are in the middle of a pandemic, epidemic , media frenzy. I’m not normally one to bother with hype, keep well, eat your greens and WASH YOUR HANDS blah blah blah, if I get I, get it attitude.

However, what I am just in disbelief over , is that we are having to tell people to wash their bleeding hands!

I’m sorry are we actually saying that there are some people who don’t take part in this basic standard of hygiene!

Honestly; I’m gobsmacked.

But what is more alarming is my own reaction to this and the habit I am forming …. I keep looking at people thinking, is he a washer? I bet she isn’t, surely they haven’t been in there long enough to have sang happy birthday twice and I’m not ashamed to admit I have even been a judgy Judy when in a public toilet. I tutted at a woman in Sainsbury’s toilet for not using soap! I could have been slapped! I could have found myself in a right situation and I don’t know how to stop it ! Because washing your hands is bloody imperative!!! I’m on the verge of writing to Chat magazine , they can run a story on me ‘My Obsession with public hand!washing…. the watered down version.

Also whilst I’m on this rant, why would you not want to wash your hands? Why would you think it’s ok not to after a little wee (or worse) if anyone knows the answer please let me know!

Seriously though, people , wash ya hands ya filthy animals.

He wants your number ……

Last night , was just an ordinary night. I was binge watching all the tv I had missed over the past 4 years (I own a daughter who isn’t fond of sleep).

My husband was in bed due to his early starts, said daughter had finally got to sleep at about 9pm and I had just sat down and what do I hear, a load of teenage screaming and scooter type noises coming from out the back.

So, outraged, out the back I went,doing my best teacher stomp, to tell the little shits if they wake my daughter or my husband up that I will not be responsible for my acts of anger and revenge.

What I feel is important to point out it that I was sans le make up and wearing my best “lounge wear” face full of acne and a top knot to rival said teenagers on a good day!

So I opened the back gate and the conversation went like this :

Me “hiya”

Nice teenage girl “we are being too noisy aren’t we?”

Me: “yeah a bit, it’s just I’ve got a kid who won’t sleep and a husband who gets up at 4am”

Pupil of mine ” oh hi miss, it’s a teacher , she’s my teacher , shut up shut up”

Nice teenage girl “we are gonna go down this end now”

Me “thanks!”

Not so nice teenage girl ” ha ha it’s your teacher, on he wants your phone number ”

Pupil “shut up”

Not so nice teenage girl “only kidding, your old enough to be his NAN!”

I can’t even speak at this point, the trauma of even writing it is making me hot flush and want to get a face full of Botox!

“She’s old enough to be his NAN”

Nan!! Bloody Nan!! I mean she should have said “old enough to be his mom” surely!

I am 37, I still get asked for identification when buying my fav Rioja in the bloody Co-Op in the next village ! People (well mainly school kids ) think I’m in my 20s!

I still wear hoop earrings and Adidas leggings! I stay fat so my face is youthful! I’ve got acne to rival any teenager! I can still do all the moves to back streets back, alright!!

What is the world coming to? I mean I knew we had a problem with our youth but this is just taking the biscuit (later I’ll tell you about my new found love for a “fruit with a hint of lemon” biscuit, goes so well with a cup of peppermint in the evening)

Don’t get me wrong, my Nan is flipping beauts! And if I look like her at her age then I’ll be happy! But I am not there yet!

This girl has started something now, I’m gonna have to step my game up! I might buy a scooter, or some of those trainers with the massive heel, which she needs to know I had first time round, in two colours!

But before I up my game, I’m gonna have to go to bed, it’s nearly half past nine and I’m taking my Nan to this wicked garden centre we found tomorrow, all hanging baskets are 50% off and in the cafe it’s buy one get one free 12-2 …….


You don’t speak for me

You don’t speak for me

My womb is my own

My breasts are my own

My body is my own

My eggs are my own

You don’t speak for me

My vote is my own

My voice is my own

My opinion is my own

My decisions are my own

My life is my own

You don’t speak for me

My strength is my own

My determination is my own

My courage is my own

My enteral right to decide is my own

And you do not speak for me

Not in my Village….

When I was younger, I had a habit of being banned from libraries ! How rock and roll!

Mainly because I would forget to take books back, forget about the fine and end up owing about £25 and thus deciding that said £25 was better spent in Topshop. It’s not something I’m proud of and I would like to offer a public apology to the library services in Peterborough and Lincoln.

What I won’t be apologising for however, is getting banned from a Facebook group, albeit temporally,for calling out blatant racism and challenging the thinking of small minded morons who are still living in the 50s.

Now, you know me I don’t mind people having a rant online; I do it and I think it’s good for the soul to have an outlet. I love how social media can connect us with like minded people, make our voices heard and help us make connections for the good.

So on my villages local “community” site we had a post that read a bit like this

“Walking along street saw people at bus stop drinking beer, and talking on phone in foreign accents. When I walked by ten mins later pavement was converted in spit, dirty foreigners go back to where you came from”

Now this isn’t a direct quote to protect the small minded racist; but the language is the same.

Do I condone spitting? No

Do I think it’s cool to be drinking alcohol on a street where children are? No

Are these people just ill mannered and inconsiderate regardless where they come from? Yes

This is about PEOPLE. PEOPLE spitting on the floor and being ill mannered.

PEOPLE who have no respect for their environment and surroundings.

Telling people to go back to where they come from is a pointless insult- yeah let’s send everyone back to Peterborough maternity unit shall we.

We live in a multicultural society , and yes that means that your quaint English village may not just house middle class white people who drive BMWs and don’t indicate.

Get over it 💋

Be Your Own Biggest Fan!

When you write I think your ears become sensitive to things around you. You listen for interesting conversations that create a spark in you and make you want to write or express your own opinions.  Lately I have been listening for positives. Mainly for people being positive about themselves or others. I heard plenty of people being nice to others (or at least pretending to be in any case!) What I didn’t hear was anyone being nice about themselves.

I know , I know , at the moment I am on some sort of crusade about people being nice to each other , I haven’t gone soft, don’t worry I will be ranting again soon! but I can’t get away from the fact that whilst we seem to be ok being (mainly!) nice to each other our biggest struggle is being nice to ourselves.  We just can’t do it can we!

So I decided to ask people. I put a post up on my Facebook – audience over 100 and a post on my Instagram page  – audience of over 500. I asked family and friends and looked out for people posting positives about themselves on social media etc.

These are the responses:

‘I am actually a lot cooler than I think I am’

‘I am the glue that brings my friends together’

‘I am a really good mother’

‘I am caring and good with animals’.

That is it. Honestly . That is it.

I have to say I am not surprised. Our everyday vocabulary seems to focus on negative,failings and running a flipping mile when anybody dares to compliment us!

Have a listen in your staff rooms and women’s toilets (in a mindful way obvs, no one wants to be that weird girl in the bogs!) I bet you can hear plenty of people saying things like ‘I can’t believe I came out looking like this today’ or I can’t do this or I am rubbish at that. My make up is awful! Look at my hair blah blah blah.

Time to change it up ladies and start switching the vocab! I have never been one to hide my light under a bushel and I’m damn sure that I am going to teach my daughter to say thank you to a compliment rather than play it down or rubbish it completely.

In case you need reminding, it is not vain to say ‘yes it does’ when someone says your hair is looking fabulous. It is not self -absorbed to say ‘yes I am’ when some one says your good at something and it is more than bloody ok to tell people you have a skill or strength when they are asking for it!

Example ‘ Oh I really need some advice about pairing stripes and leopard print’

You could reply with ‘ I wore that at the weekend, probably looked like a total tosser so don’t ask me!’

Or you could try

‘actually I wore a banging outfit that mixed the two together at the weekend, I think it’s about having the right tone of leopard print and a slightly larger stripe, I can help you if you like’


Because Let’s face it putting ourselves down for so long hasn’t worked has it………… x






Breast is best ?

Lately I have seen many posts on social media about breast milk v formula, memes , opinions, facts, horror stories blah blah blah

And I would like to give you all my opinion. Please bear with me as I feel really strongly about this and want to share my inner most thoughts ………

Piss off twats , it’s my baby, my body, my choice.

Thank you 💋