After the jolt I got to thinking about all the silly things I’ve done in the past to loose weight or appear as one of the cool kids.
I would also like to point out that my best friends have also joined me in these antics as not to appear completely deranged.
I feel revisiting these moments and sharing them is vital to my journey as I need to remind myself that the road to loving me again doesn’t need to involve anything on this list:
Diet Coke and Marlboro light diet
This single handily has to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. One meal a day and as many Diet Cokes and Marlbro lights as you can handle. I can assure anyone reading this the only thing you loose is money, health and time. Time wasted with migraines,moods and tiredness. Money wasted on cigarettes, think of the tubs of St Moritz (cheap copy of St Tropez fake tan that is actually amazing ) I could have brought.
Only eating carbs on a Sunday
Wasn`t my worst idea but God it was boring and gave you a mega pregnancy bloat on a Monday……
Weighing your self after a poo
Did you know you can weigh up to 3lb lighter after doing the necessary. Ask one of my best mates, one of the happiest days of her life was when she ate a Macdonalds did a number two then weighed herself. She had lost 1lb!
Having a Vegetarian few years
Now this in my opinion was utter bonkers and I look back with the same cringing feeling as the time I thought that an all khaki outfit with gold boots to my mid calf was a winning outfit choice. I have aptly named it ‘the vegetarian years’
Now I genuinely gave up meat for approximately a year during my teens. Enraged at the treatment of animals and wanting to have something that set me apart from ,in my eyes at the time ,my mundane 2.4 family. My mother took this in her stride and just served me everything they were eating minus the meat, no questions were asked about gravy juices or potato fat in those days. This lasted officially for about a year then there was an incident with a bacon sandwich in secret with the light off .
Of course around this time a boy came along.
And with said boy came the famous line ` I think your amazing being a vegetarian your so unique and I love how you stand up for what you believe in’
If only he knew that’s all balderdash. I was a secret meat eater. I’m currently in hysterics writing this as its farcical isn’t it. I was so busy being this cool and sophisticated individual that I casually overlooked the fact I was in fact a red blooded carnivore!
So said boy thinks I am amazing and tells all his family how I will need my food specially preparing for the first meal with them. And this ladies and gentlemen is where I had to force my self to eat a bowl of what can only be described as rubber meat substitution passed of as fake chicken, whilst everyone else enjoyed my favourite Spaghetti Bolognese. I wept inside and that wasn’t the only reaction going on inside if you know what I mean. So from then on I was a vegetarian apparently , turning down Bbq`s , sneakily eating my moms delicious shepards pie after a night in the pub and gorging like a pig on crack on cheeseburgers in secret. My best friend used to taunt me over the dinner table when we all lived together with said boy for a while asking me if I ever fancied a sausage or a nice chicken bap ‘ oh no ‘ I replied ‘I just couldn’t bear it’ n
She used to say she was in awe of my commitment. But luckily she would then take me to the drive thru for a fix in the early hours . That’s a real best friend right there.
The worst time of all in the vegetarian years , was one Christmas Day. A delightful sister in law ,so pleased to have someone to share her nut roast with ,sat next to me at the dinner table and to my horror this genuine sincere herbivore caught me,the vegetarian fraud , staring at the golden, roasted, basted, vision of heaven , beautiful turkey ,and yes a little bit of drool was present , she calmly put an arm around me and said ‘ aren’t we lucky we don’t have to eat that !’
No love!!!! I’d give my right arm ,your left leg and possibly (possibly) one of Jimmy Choos for a turkey sandwich with salad cream!
It was truely exhausting and it taught me a valuable life long lesson:
No boy is worth missing out on your Christmas dinner for .
The point is none of these silly things worked nor did they make me happy.
This week I have pledged to three gym classes , the reason for this is that this actually used to make me happy. I used to be a weirdo who enjoyed excercise. So as the journey hots up I am now going to be the girl with the procedure in two more classes!
Wish me luck and promise me you’ll never try any of these methods to make your self happy X
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