He wants your number ……

Last night , was just an ordinary night. I was binge watching all the tv I had missed over the past 4 years (I own a daughter who isn’t fond of sleep).

My husband was in bed due to his early starts, said daughter had finally got to sleep at about 9pm and I had just sat down and what do I hear, a load of teenage screaming and scooter type noises coming from out the back.

So, outraged, out the back I went,doing my best teacher stomp, to tell the little shits if they wake my daughter or my husband up that I will not be responsible for my acts of anger and revenge.

What I feel is important to point out it that I was sans le make up and wearing my best “lounge wear” face full of acne and a top knot to rival said teenagers on a good day!

So I opened the back gate and the conversation went like this :

Me “hiya”

Nice teenage girl “we are being too noisy aren’t we?”

Me: “yeah a bit, it’s just I’ve got a kid who won’t sleep and a husband who gets up at 4am”

Pupil of mine ” oh hi miss, it’s a teacher , she’s my teacher , shut up shut up”

Nice teenage girl “we are gonna go down this end now”

Me “thanks!”

Not so nice teenage girl ” ha ha it’s your teacher, on he wants your phone number ”

Pupil “shut up”

Not so nice teenage girl “only kidding, your old enough to be his NAN!”

I can’t even speak at this point, the trauma of even writing it is making me hot flush and want to get a face full of Botox!

“She’s old enough to be his NAN”

Nan!! Bloody Nan!! I mean she should have said “old enough to be his mom” surely!

I am 37, I still get asked for identification when buying my fav Rioja in the bloody Co-Op in the next village ! People (well mainly school kids ) think I’m in my 20s!

I still wear hoop earrings and Adidas leggings! I stay fat so my face is youthful! I’ve got acne to rival any teenager! I can still do all the moves to back streets back, alright!!

What is the world coming to? I mean I knew we had a problem with our youth but this is just taking the biscuit (later I’ll tell you about my new found love for a “fruit with a hint of lemon” biscuit, goes so well with a cup of peppermint in the evening)

Don’t get me wrong, my Nan is flipping beauts! And if I look like her at her age then I’ll be happy! But I am not there yet!

This girl has started something now, I’m gonna have to step my game up! I might buy a scooter, or some of those trainers with the massive heel, which she needs to know I had first time round, in two colours!

But before I up my game, I’m gonna have to go to bed, it’s nearly half past nine and I’m taking my Nan to this wicked garden centre we found tomorrow, all hanging baskets are 50% off and in the cafe it’s buy one get one free 12-2 …….

X

You don’t speak for me

You don’t speak for me

My womb is my own

My breasts are my own

My body is my own

My eggs are my own

You don’t speak for me

My vote is my own

My voice is my own

My opinion is my own

My decisions are my own

My life is my own

You don’t speak for me

My strength is my own

My determination is my own

My courage is my own

My enteral right to decide is my own

And you do not speak for me

Not in my Village….

When I was younger, I had a habit of being banned from libraries ! How rock and roll!

Mainly because I would forget to take books back, forget about the fine and end up owing about £25 and thus deciding that said £25 was better spent in Topshop. It’s not something I’m proud of and I would like to offer a public apology to the library services in Peterborough and Lincoln.

What I won’t be apologising for however, is getting banned from a Facebook group, albeit temporally,for calling out blatant racism and challenging the thinking of small minded morons who are still living in the 50s.

Now, you know me I don’t mind people having a rant online; I do it and I think it’s good for the soul to have an outlet. I love how social media can connect us with like minded people, make our voices heard and help us make connections for the good.

So on my villages local “community” site we had a post that read a bit like this

“Walking along street saw people at bus stop drinking beer, and talking on phone in foreign accents. When I walked by ten mins later pavement was converted in spit, dirty foreigners go back to where you came from”

Now this isn’t a direct quote to protect the small minded racist; but the language is the same.

Do I condone spitting? No

Do I think it’s cool to be drinking alcohol on a street where children are? No

Are these people just ill mannered and inconsiderate regardless where they come from? Yes

This is about PEOPLE. PEOPLE spitting on the floor and being ill mannered.

PEOPLE who have no respect for their environment and surroundings.

Telling people to go back to where they come from is a pointless insult- yeah let’s send everyone back to Peterborough maternity unit shall we.

We live in a multicultural society , and yes that means that your quaint English village may not just house middle class white people who drive BMWs and don’t indicate.

Get over it 💋

Be Your Own Biggest Fan!

When you write I think your ears become sensitive to things around you. You listen for interesting conversations that create a spark in you and make you want to write or express your own opinions.  Lately I have been listening for positives. Mainly for people being positive about themselves or others. I heard plenty of people being nice to others (or at least pretending to be in any case!) What I didn’t hear was anyone being nice about themselves.

I know , I know , at the moment I am on some sort of crusade about people being nice to each other , I haven’t gone soft, don’t worry I will be ranting again soon! but I can’t get away from the fact that whilst we seem to be ok being (mainly!) nice to each other our biggest struggle is being nice to ourselves.  We just can’t do it can we!

So I decided to ask people. I put a post up on my Facebook – audience over 100 and a post on my Instagram page  – audience of over 500. I asked family and friends and looked out for people posting positives about themselves on social media etc.

These are the responses:

‘I am actually a lot cooler than I think I am’

‘I am the glue that brings my friends together’

‘I am a really good mother’

‘I am caring and good with animals’.

That is it. Honestly . That is it.

I have to say I am not surprised. Our everyday vocabulary seems to focus on negative,failings and running a flipping mile when anybody dares to compliment us!

Have a listen in your staff rooms and women’s toilets (in a mindful way obvs, no one wants to be that weird girl in the bogs!) I bet you can hear plenty of people saying things like ‘I can’t believe I came out looking like this today’ or I can’t do this or I am rubbish at that. My make up is awful! Look at my hair blah blah blah.

Time to change it up ladies and start switching the vocab! I have never been one to hide my light under a bushel and I’m damn sure that I am going to teach my daughter to say thank you to a compliment rather than play it down or rubbish it completely.

In case you need reminding, it is not vain to say ‘yes it does’ when someone says your hair is looking fabulous. It is not self -absorbed to say ‘yes I am’ when some one says your good at something and it is more than bloody ok to tell people you have a skill or strength when they are asking for it!

Example ‘ Oh I really need some advice about pairing stripes and leopard print’

You could reply with ‘ I wore that at the weekend, probably looked like a total tosser so don’t ask me!’

Or you could try

‘actually I wore a banging outfit that mixed the two together at the weekend, I think it’s about having the right tone of leopard print and a slightly larger stripe, I can help you if you like’

Boom.

Because Let’s face it putting ourselves down for so long hasn’t worked has it………… x

 

 

 

 

 

Breast is best ?

Lately I have seen many posts on social media about breast milk v formula, memes , opinions, facts, horror stories blah blah blah

And I would like to give you all my opinion. Please bear with me as I feel really strongly about this and want to share my inner most thoughts ………

Piss off twats , it’s my baby, my body, my choice.

Thank you 💋

It’s My baby and I’ll have One if I want to!

I get scared to ask for ketchup sometimes in restaurants. It’s some kind of social awkwardness , I get all hot and bothered and psyche myself up then just  smile when the waiter comes over.

I’m getting better but my poor husband and best friend have really bore the brunt of this little issue over the past 20 years (sorry guys)

Let’s imagine that ketchup is one end of the scale, then in the middle we can have people who comment on your lunch whilst your eating it, with phrases such as ‘ew what is that!’ ‘Omg I could never eat that!’ and, my personal  favourite ‘I’m sorry but that looks foul’ Then right at the other end  of our scale reside the people who have no problems in asking all about why you haven’t had another baby yet.

I have been keeping tally for two weeks, and do you know how many times I have been asked, 11, 11 times!

I don’t think it’s the question so much, but the guff that comes after it ‘Won’t your daughter be lonely’ ‘She will end up spoilt’ ‘I think you’ll regret it’ ‘I felt like that till I had my 12th’ ‘But they need a brother and sister’ .

My response to all this is simple. Piss off.

I am not a sensitive flower, I am an open person and it takes a lot to offend me. But the suggestion that my daughter will end up some pampered , damaged, lonely, un-supported brat if I don’t have another child makes me fume.

We have no right to question one of the most intimate and private decisions that a couple have to make. It is absolutely none of our business.  We do not need to  know why any one has zero children, one child, three children or ten.

There are people in my life who dying to become parents. People who are having the most horrendous time. There are people in my life who can’t imagine having any children,  it isn’t for them. There are people in my life who just can’t and every time they are asked it is like the knife is twisted a bit deeper. There are people who are un-decided. There are people who are on their fourth and may only stop when the eggs run out.

And you know what it never was and it never will be any of our business.

The Salute – A Women’s Day Poem.

To you,  for carrying on even when your heart was being ripped from your soul

To you, for being the best mother to a child that needs you more than we can ever imagine

To you, for fighting a battle that is unfair and cruel and that I know has torn the sparkle from your eyes

To you, who turned a horrendous negative into a beautiful positive

To you, who stayed for all those years . I understand now

To you, who anxiety tried to drown,

To you, who is waking and facing the dark beast everyday through red stained lips

To you, whose knowledge and need to help others inspires me

To you, who blames yourself for something that can never, ever, be your fault

To you, who came out the other side and got your fairytale

And to you, who made me realise what ‘I’d die for you’ really means

I salute you

The Heroines of my world xxx