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Last night , was just an ordinary night. I was binge watching all the tv I had missed over the past 4 years (I own a daughter who isn’t fond of sleep).

My husband was in bed due to his early starts, said daughter had finally got to sleep at about 9pm and I had just sat down and what do I hear, a load of teenage screaming and scooter type noises coming from out the back.

So, outraged, out the back I went,doing my best teacher stomp, to tell the little shits if they wake my daughter or my husband up that I will not be responsible for my acts of anger and revenge.

What I feel is important to point out it that I was sans le make up and wearing my best “lounge wear” face full of acne and a top knot to rival said teenagers on a good day!

So I opened the back gate and the conversation went like this :

Me “hiya”

Nice teenage girl “we are being too noisy aren’t we?”

Me: “yeah a bit, it’s just I’ve got a kid who won’t sleep and a husband who gets up at 4am”

Pupil of mine ” oh hi miss, it’s a teacher , she’s my teacher , shut up shut up”

Nice teenage girl “we are gonna go down this end now”

Me “thanks!”

Not so nice teenage girl ” ha ha it’s your teacher, on he wants your phone number ”

Pupil “shut up”

Not so nice teenage girl “only kidding, your old enough to be his NAN!”

I can’t even speak at this point, the trauma of even writing it is making me hot flush and want to get a face full of Botox!

“She’s old enough to be his NAN”

Nan!! Bloody Nan!! I mean she should have said “old enough to be his mom” surely!

I am 37, I still get asked for identification when buying my fav Rioja in the bloody Co-Op in the next village ! People (well mainly school kids ) think I’m in my 20s!

I still wear hoop earrings and Adidas leggings! I stay fat so my face is youthful! I’ve got acne to rival any teenager! I can still do all the moves to back streets back, alright!!

What is the world coming to? I mean I knew we had a problem with our youth but this is just taking the biscuit (later I’ll tell you about my new found love for a “fruit with a hint of lemon” biscuit, goes so well with a cup of peppermint in the evening)

Don’t get me wrong, my Nan is flipping beauts! And if I look like her at her age then I’ll be happy! But I am not there yet!

This girl has started something now, I’m gonna have to step my game up! I might buy a scooter, or some of those trainers with the massive heel, which she needs to know I had first time round, in two colours!

But before I up my game, I’m gonna have to go to bed, it’s nearly half past nine and I’m taking my Nan to this wicked garden centre we found tomorrow, all hanging baskets are 50% off and in the cafe it’s buy one get one free 12-2 …….

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